Things have gotten a little bit better around here.... still tired of the negativity that goes on. And college has become super crazy with finals.

And here's where I write about another part of my life that I don't really discuss much.

Today I've felt more nervous and sad more than ever before. And it's also pretty sad that my mom already figured out that something's wrong. I lied to her and told her that my nose was runny (cause I was tearing up before she came.) I hate telling lies, but I don't want to worry my family with my feelings.

So, let me tell you about this amazing kid.

Last semester I was in History 101, and there was this kid and I sitting a few seats away, in different rows. And at the time, I couldn't think about relationships because of school being so hectic. I had over 18 units and no time to do anything but that. I even remembered that Newell picked him to be a TA with 2 other people for this fall semester. Little did I realize that he would have such a big impact on my life.

And I'm sure this is already starting to sound like a love story, and you could call if that if you want. I really don't care.

So, my dad has always said that you go to college to meet people. So yeah, sure dad. I met someone, but does he even acknowledge me? Does he even know that I like him?

With this fall semester going by very quickly, it's a shock that I still remember the first day of getting in history (again). So the first few days were nothing because it was all the easy stuff that I already knew. And no feelings were in the way then. Whelp, the next 2 weeks rolled around and some love bug hit me. (Haha yes! I guess I was stung or something :P) I didn't know why I was so interested in him now, because we were in the same class last semester but (he) didn't realize it.

These past few months have been so crucial and torturing to me. Not in a bad way; just kicking myself to say something to him. And I shut down because I feel that I can't. My feelings have overcome and I feel nervous in class because I'm either staring at him, or he's staring at me. Or there's moments where we just stared at each other and then looked away. And I'm sure it's obvious that I like him. Sometimes it's hard for me not to look at his beautiful face and just smile.

There were days where I'd get the nerve to talk to him without being nervous, and when I went to, he rushed out of the building every time. And I have no clue where he goes, so I'm just left to walk sadly towards the theatre. Sometimes we're even in matching colored clothes. I guess I notice the little things, but it makes me happy inside.

If there was ever something that happened in my week that was bad, all I'd want is for that week to be over. I just wanted to see him. He doesn't even realize how happy he makes me. Him just laughing over things in class, or even just smiling made my day. And what else is funny, is he always stretches his arms up in class, and Newell thinks it's a question. So he just kind of smiles and says, "No I don't have one... just stretching." :)

I also check his facebook since its public. I probably sound like a total snoop.... but I just wanted to know more about him. There's days were he'd write something and it's either directed at me (or maybe I thought that it was for me) or someone else. Or as most people do, go on facebook just to post.

And I always have Monique's little reminder in the back of my head. I can't thank her enough for letting me open up to her. I usually don't talk about feelings or life with a lot of people. And today that reminder really hit me hard.

I had 2 days left of seeing him. And today marked 1 day off, and now I have 1 day left of seeing him. And after class today, I felt like crying; I still feel like crying. And it is sad that I can't cry cause everyone will ask what's wrong. And I really don't feel like telling them.

Neither of us have spoken to each other for the whole class. I wanted to be able to talk to him like a normal person without feelings getting in the way. Sometimes I wish I didn't even have nerves so I could actually talk to people. I'm such a shy person, and I know it probably doesn't seem like it, but I am. I really feel like talking isn't always necessary.

I'm just extremely upset, mad, confused, nervous, and scared all at the same time. I don't know what to do. I see him for 1 more day and I won't even get to talk to him because we have our final test that day. And he gets to stand around and watch people take a test for 1-2 hours. :(

I want to cry so badly. And I know I shouldn't, but I've fell so hard. I don't even know how to get back up. It is odd that someone can have such an impact on your life in such a short matter of time. I don't know why my came so quickly, but I'm honestly happy that it did. And now I'm sad because its going to be over just like that.

I'm scared because I don't know if I'll see him again. If I bump into him around school, will I even be noticed? Or just remembered as "the girl who stared at you in history class?" Will my feelings get in the way of talking to him? If I do see him, will I walk away or admit my feelings to him? These are all questions that are running through my mind.

And I hear a lot of people are ready to be done with school. Okay, I admit it. I am ready. But I'm not ready to give it up so easily. I don't really want this semester to end because I'm afraid of losing someone I never had. This year has been great, even with the ups and downs.... but I'm not ready. All I have is 1 day left of seeing someone giving me pure joy and happiness from afar. :(

So here's to you Cameron. My feelings have been placed in a blog that you'll probably never read. Never know how I feel about you having an impact on my life. And never know how much I've liked you. So, somehow, someway, I hope you notice. /':

My life is going to go back to being a mess. The sunshine in my life has been amazing, and I don't want the storm to come back over.

And I know this blog is all scattered, so, sorry if you can't even understand it. I felt like I needed to get this off of my chest. This was the only way that I could. /: